Depression or Just Selfishness

He's well aware of my illness, yet he endures it. He consistently takes great care of me, but I find myself continually digging up his past to hurt him. The more he remains silent, the worse my condition becomes. At times, I've even told him I wanted to harm myself just to instill fear in him. I resist seeking treatment because I believe that by remaining in this state, he will stay with me, never leaving my side. That's why I persist in behaving in ways that cause him worry. I understand the situation, but I still can't fathom why I act this way,